I know most of you out there are just like me. Or, I’m just like you. In fact, I’ll make it even simpler by channeling Christine O’Donnell: “I’m you.”
Whatever. We’re all in this mid-term election together. Forget Christmas--this is “the mooost wonderful tiiime of the year.”
We love looking at political signs on half of the lawns of every street. We can’t wait for another robocall. We can hardly stand to sit through actual news segments or portions of our favorite TV shows because we’re so eager to get to the commercials, so we can hear things we’ve never heard before from candidates we only see every two, four or six years, depending on the length of their terms.
We love the way our e-mail boxes are clogged with important, critical, shocking revelations about what an extreme, poisonous, toxic slimeball Candidate A is.
We are thrilled to take on the cerebral task of wallowing through all this muck to decide if A is a better or worse slimeball than Candidate B. We are on the edges of our seats, tense with anticipation to see if the Republican smear machine can outsmear the Democratic smear machine.
We love the way our literal mailboxes are clogged with fliers showing slimeball A with his happy, all-American wife and 2.4 children, telling us of all the wonderful things he has done with our money and warning us of the calamity that awaits us if we elect slimeball B.
Yeah, there are a few entertaining moments here and there. When else would you ever see Congressman Barney Frank in a plaid shirt, paternally patting the arm of a senior citizen? How humiliating to have to ask the peasants to vote for him. When else would you get to hear Congresswoman Niki Tsongas, when asked about her vote in favor of Obamacare, dodge it with a hymn of praise to herself about her work for veterans?
But mostly, we hate this. We cannot wait for it to be over. We do everything we can to tune it out. And I’m going to venture a guess, even though I am not a paid political consultant for anyone, that it is largely because of the mind-numbing repetition of it all.
I mean, how many times can people gear themselves up to laugh uproariously, shake their signs and scream when President Obama says, yet again, that the Republicans drove the economy into a ditch, and you know what you have to do if you want to go forward? “You put it in D, drive,” he says. “And if you want to go backward, you put it in R, reverse.”
And, of course, all candidates say they have “three priorities--jobs, jobs and jobs.”
Stop it! Stop it! You’re killing me.
Taylor Armerding is a columnist for The Eagle-Tribune, North Andover, Mass. CNHI News Service distributes his column.